Remember to only validate and support behaviors or emotions that are actually valid

To communicate with a narcissist, it is important to understand what traits a narcissist may have. In short, according to the DSM-5, a narcissist may:

Have a grandiose sense of self-importance
Be preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believe they are “special” and unique and can only associate with others of similar perceived status
Require excessive admiration
Have a sense of entitlement
Be interpersonally exploitative
Lack empathy
Be envious
Show arrogance

As with all personality disorders, Narcissism is ego-syntonic, meaning people with high degrees of narcissism generally do not feel that they have a problem, nor do they feel they need to change without external motivation.

However, narcissists often suffer from many problems they may not initially realize.

Narcissists may suffer from never feeling entirely fulfilled, feeling frantic in their search for others who will admire them or who will validate their specialness. The distress they feel from this may be obscured by a high level of grandiosity, self-promotion, or even misdirected rage.

To help a narcissist overcome these difficulties, they will have to realize they exist and are a source of their own distress. This is not an easy process.

Narcissists tend to feel shame and humiliation in response to relatively mild slights. They may feel wounded and lash out if they feel criticized in any way. They often have difficulty grasping the internal experience of others.

In order to have a narcissist realize the distress caused to you or others by their narcissistic behaviors, you may have to have them realize the potential consequences of their behaviors for themselves. This may be the loss of a relationship, loss of a promotion, loss of admiration, etc.

However, they are unlikely to simply accept negative feedback without it being given alongside much validation and support. It is important to remember to only validate and support behaviors or emotions that are actually valid and not give false praise or validation.

If you can build significant rapport with a narcissist, you can then focus on collaborative problem solving and mentalization techniques, utilizing questions such:

“What did you imagine I was thinking?”
“I can imagine feeling sad and angry about that if I had been in that situation.”

Communicating with a narcissist will take confidence in yourself and will likely be a long and difficult journey through many of their potentially hurtful ego defenses.

Ultimately, most attempts to help a narcissist understand their narcissism and reasons for change will likely fail, and reasonable expectations should be appraised early. In the end, narcissists’ own future life experiences may be the only potential vehicle for their change, and caring for one’s own mental health should always remain a priority.

How to Communicate with a Narcissist – YouTube